-Laguna Beach: My friend Kate is obsessed with this show and has been begging me to watch it ever since I got cable. At first I completely didn't get it, but after watching several episodes in quick succession, I finally understand. Watching vapid bleach blondes cavort in their multi-million dollar houses, drive around in their gas guzzling motor vehicles, lust over lame unattractive dudes who are addicted to hair gel, and get manicures (they seem to get one in every episode), really makes me feel okay about my life. I would rather be poor, passably attractive, and smart than rich, charmlessly beautiful, and completely stupid.
-The Girls Next Door: Playboy bunnies are real people too. Real people that cavort in bathing suits 24 hours a day and have sex with a famous octigenarian on a daily basis. They are just like us. Really.
-Breaking Bonaduce: Watching this show is like being addicted to watching a horrible deadly train wreck. It's so awful it is almost impossible to tear one's eyes away. Danny Bonaduce loves his kids and his wife, is addicted to working out, takes steroids, and is a horrible alcoholic. If this is your life, what would you do? Get a reality show documenting your therapy sessions and your horrible self-destructive neurotic lifestyle? But of course.
-My Fair Brady: This is a super boring show about a lackluster ex-celebrity (Chris Knight of the Brady Bunch) dating an idiotic self-obsessed 22-year-old super model. I fell asleep during this show.
I redeemed myself slightly by watching a bunch of shows about Alaska on the Travel Channel. I now really want to go to Glacier Bay National Park.
Illness: Bad for the soul, excellent for reality TV ratings.