Thursday, December 28, 2006


Two weeks ago the Iranian government hosted a holocaust denial conference attended by such adorable and distinguished guests as David Duke (former head of the KKK) and Robert Faurisson (one of those awesome high-profile French anti-semites who has published numerous papers and books saying that the gas chambers were too "complicated" to have actually existed). What a lovely group! Cruella Deville and Dr. Evil were supposed to be there but were too busy drowning puppies to attend. (Always a tough choice: drowning puppies or denying the holocaust? So many choices, so little time.)

The main contention of many participants was that the Holocaust was just an excuse for the creation of Israel. That's right: An entire week was spent discussing the benefits and advantages the Jews got from the Holocaust! Those lucky Jews! They sure lucked out with that Holocaust thing! Boy, that is some glass-is-half-full thinking for you! Who needs Tony Robbins? You can just go the "International Conference to Review the Global Vision of the Holocaust" and you will learn how to think of the worst possible situation as a gift! Thanks anti-semites!

One of the papers that was presented at the conference was entitled "Holocaust, the Achilles Heel of a Primordial Jewish Trojan." What does that even mean? I am not sure what the metaphor is supposed to be: Is Israel the Trojan Horse, and thus the holocaust is the Achilles Heel of the state of Israel? Or is being Jewish the equivalent of being a Trojan Horse and thus the Holocaust is an Achilles Heel for Jewish people? I wish they would stop using confusing metaphors and just name their papers something straight forward like "I hate Jews" so I wouldn't have to do all this deep thinking.

Iranian President Mahmoud Amhadinajad, who held the conference, was interviewed regarding his beliefs about the Holocaust. He was quoted as saying "I will not believe something is true unless I am convinced of it." Good policy! I will not believe something is true unless I see photos, documents, testimonials, newsreels......oh, wait a minute! Those things do exist? Huh. So what does convince you Mahmoud? Oh, Allah has to come down and visit you in the form of a talking crocodile, take you to a club to go crumping, and then tell you exactly at the stroke of midnight while getting a handie from a hooker with a glass eye that the Holocaust actually happened? Oh, well if that's what it takes to convince you, then I guess I see why you are not convinced. Screw all of those documents and photos!

Most of the presentations had the theme that the holocaust did not happen, that only 5,000 people died (from disesase), and that the world "overreacted". That seems reasonable. I am sure those camps were just one big party. Like a rave. (The DJ at Treblinka used to shout "When I say Holla, you say Cost!"). These camps were the inspiration for "Burning Man", right?

Really, the underlying idea behind this conference is that these guys are smarter than the rest of us: According to them essentially the entire world is part of a conspiracy where we made up the Holocuast. And these guys are pissed that they were not invited to the meeting! According to them, the entire world got together (without Mahmoud, or David Duke, or any of those other losers that the world stuffed in their proverbial lockers before the first period bell rang) and decided that we, the entire world, were going to support the Jews and the best way to do that would be to doctor up a bunch of horrible atrocities and fake photos and newsreels and thus the state of Israel would be born. That seems plausible, right? But these guys are too smart! They saw through the entire world's obvious attempt to pull the wool over their eyes. It's like these maverick truth-seekers are Keanu Reeves and the entire world is The Matrix, or it's like they are Blaine in Pretty in Pink and the entire world is the obnoxious James Spader character who can't understand how pretty Andie the weird girl is, or those guys are Mel Gibson in that movie Conspiracy and the entire world is ..... who ever the bad guys were in that movie. Mel Gibson is a hero and so are these guys!

So it really comes down to the fact that these guys need to feel like mighty righteous warriors cuz their parents didn't love them, or they couldn't make the football team, or they didn't get enough blow jobs from cute girls during college. Oh, plus they hate Jews.

Sunday, December 24, 2006

Slow News Day

Today's Daily News front page declared "BRING IT ON: Christmas Shoppers Swarm City". Wow! That IS breaking news. I would never have been aware that a lot of people shop in the city on Christmas Eve. Thanks Daily News! You are clearly the go-to paper for uninteresting-facts-that-are-common-knowledge-masquerading-as-news. I look forward to tomorrow's headline: "SHUT DOWN: Many businesses closed to celebrate annual religious holiday."

Friday, December 22, 2006

Wiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!! Ouch.

I have been having a rough week, mostly due to my many paradoxical life circumstances: lots of work, zero chillax time, many Christmas presents to buy, zero money, Super messy house, zero time to clean it, etc. etc.

I did manage to take a break from these conundrums by hanging out with my good friend Tony Carnevale and his friend Brian to enjoy the new technological breakthrough that is the Nintendo Wiiii. It's pretty fun -- over the course of a few hours we played golf (not good at that), bowling (not good at that either), baseball (just watched this one), and boxing (I am apparently great at beating the shit out of people), as well as the inventively named "Excite Truck" (guess what? you drive trucks in that game!). After three hours I was exhausted.

I woke up the next day having found that I strained a muscle in my arm. That's right. I am in such peak physical condition that I strained myself playing a video game. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go work out by lifting some pencils and killing myself.

Sunday, December 10, 2006


I always enjoy looking at what internet searches have led people here. Recent interesting and bizarre examples (typos and mispellings left intact):

has a sweater with an ipod in it been invented yet??
"fuck all cats"
lowes has unisex bathroom?
the perfect weapon in the perfect murder
who wore a boa constrictor around his neck while on stage?
craig's list flight attendants marriage minded
do andy milonakis hava a disease
which comon kitchen item is a;so a type of drum?
alcoholic husband "roller coaster"
sites for women whose husbands cheat

I am sorry that none of the above questions can be answered by this journal. I am now very curious to know what common kitchen item is also a drum. Anyone?

Saturday, December 09, 2006


I wrote a brief comment about Thanksgiving two weeks ago, when it was topical, and then never posted it. I am going to post it now, as I think the sentiment expressed is still completely valid, even though it won't be relevant again for about 11 months:

If you are over the age of 10 and you are not talking to a preschooler, please do not use the terms "Happy Turkey Day!" and "Gobble gobble!" around Thanksgiving. Even if you think you are doing it ironcially, you are not. Seriously. That shit is really annoying. Stop it.